tie me up! tie me down!

A woman gives her husband two wrapped, similar packages for Christmas. Tie in one, tie in the other: two ties. He goes upstairs to dress for breakfast and comes back down showered, shaved, combed, be-suited, and wearing one of his new ties. "What’s the matter? You don’t like the other one?"

Re-reading R.D. Laing’s Knots has reminded me of Gregory Bateson’s double bind theory. His theory addresses the “binding” that results from relationships that are chronically subject to invalidation through paradoxical communication. For example, a mother will say to her child, “You need to be more independent”. If the child follows her advice they are of course not being independent. So the child is “wrong” no matter what they choose. It is a “no win” situation. Double binds also work in more subtle ways. A mother may look at her child with an expression of contempt while telling the child she loves him. The contradiction of the verbal and non-verbal communication confuses the child and they do not know which message to trust. The messages invalidate each other. As an adult you are free to leave these kinds of relationships but if you are a child you are trapped. Bateson believed that a child raised in a family that frequently used “double bind” communication was at risk of developing schizophrenia.

Fun-fact-to-know-and-tell: Bateson was married to Margaret Mead.